To all Interns: How to Develop Rapport With Clients

Greetings:

We need to start working on ways to develop rapport with clients. This is essential in this line of work.

When people come to counseling, they are either in some level of crisis and/or emotionally vulnerable. Even if they have been to counseling in the past, when they meet with you, there is a certain level of apprehension. They want for you to reassure them. They want to talk to a "real" person.

Do what is necessary to make the client feel comfortable. Use self-disclosure activities during the session, and offer to respond to some of the self-disclosure questions yourself. The clients are not too concerned about the academics behind counseling. They just want help during the crisis period. It will be on your shoulders to find ways to develop rapport.

Here are some pointers that I have found useful over the years:

1). Dress comfortably, not like a parole officer. Casual dress tends to help the client see you as a person (less intimidating).

2). Smile. Smile. Smile!

3). Do not get too caught up in the theoretical and counseling approaches. You need to be where the client is at the time of each visit. That shows empathy and it shows that you are capable of flexibility.

4). Be willing to share things about YOU when appropriate. The client will trust you more, and you will be modeling the self-disclosure behavior.

5). Use a lot of humor (as much as you can, but of course use humor when appropriate).

6). You CAN touch clients. There are times when gently touching a child's head is comforting. There are times when a child may hug you. Adults may also initiate touch. Use good judgment and make sure that whatever you do, it is ethical and in the best interest of the client. Think about the cultural issues with regards to touch.

7). Help the client to see you as a human being, but balance this with being an expert in your field. Be yourself. Be willing to change your approach to make the client more comfortable and receptive.

I hope this has been helpful. I have informed my clients that you will on occassion be in sessions with me to observe. 
Ms. Erin

Why Do Men Cheat?

Approximately 40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships, estimates Kat Hertlein, Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Nevada - Las Vegas and a marriage and family therapist.

That number hasn’t changed much since 1950, when the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of U.S. men cheat at some point in their marriages.

Why They Cheat

The No.1 reason: Men crave sexual “variety,” according to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (BasicBooks).
“They’ve evolved the desire to be with different women,” he says.

That’s because it’s very simple for men to reproduce (one act of sex versus nine months of pregnancy for women), so to create as many offspring as possible they’re biologically programmed to mate with many women.

“The ‘payoff’ in reproductive currencies [kids] of a short-term mating strategy generally has been higher for men than women,” Buss says.

So after thousands of generations, “this has forged in the male brain a desire for sexual variety.”

Other top reasons men cheat? They’re unhappy with their mates - and extramarital sex is cheaper and easier to get these days, Buss says.

And "power wives" beware: Being married to a high-profile guy ups the odds he’ll wander.

“Women are attracted to men who have power and status, so public figures usually have plenty of opportunity,” Buss says.

Whether your guy is a political animal, an A-list celeb or just a cubicle-mate, his motivation to cheat is the same, according to one relationship expert.

“Ninety-nine percent of the time, there’s a simple reason why: boredom,” says Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate – and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top (Crown).

Whatever the reasons, cheaters give monogamous men (the majority) a bad name.

Why They Say They Cheat

Here are 9 excuses guys give for doing the extramarital mambo:

1. She ain’t what she used to be.

Like Adam, the typical man can’t resist the temptation of riper fruit, especially if the woman in his life has let herself go.

“If she got lazy or gained weight or just doesn’t take care of herself, a guy will start looking at other women,” Santagati says.

Women who want to keep their men on a short leash need to take a “good, hard look in the mirror,” he adds.

And men should do the same. He might be a complete slob and still be demanding perfection from her. “It’s the typical double standard.”

For their part, guys should also make an effort to rediscover the spark at home.

“Make her feel pretty, even if you’re lying,” he advises. “Tell her how beautiful she is and how much you appreciate it. It will make her feel sexy and she’ll want to make you happy.”

That attention can lead to a more satisfying sex life, agrees Sue Johnson, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa and author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (Little Brown and Company).

“All the evidence shows that when [women] feel safe and connected, you’re better at taking care of your partner.”

2. No one loves a ball buster.

Perhaps nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging wife.

“She’s like a mosquito,” Santagati says. “He doesn’t want to have sex with her; he wants to [swat her away].”

The more viable option: hot sex with a more “understanding” woman.

Hogwash, says Steven Solomon, Ph.D., author of Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-Proof Your Marriage (New Harbinger).

“[A woman] didn't do something that excuses cheating." Whatever the relationship dynamic, it’s not that healthy to begin with if it leads to infidelity, Solomon says.

3. She just doesn’t “get” me.

Men who cheat say they don’t feel understood by their mate. But it’s not always the woman. Mostly they’re either angry or afraid to connect.

“It’s easier for men to go outside the relationship than work it out with their partner,” says UNLV’s Hertlein. “We see this ‘triangulation’ a lot.”

A deep-seated fear of intimacy can be hard for some guys to overcome. And they’re more likely to cheat again, especially if they don’t go to couples therapy, Hertlein says.

4. It’s the thrill.

Most guys who have affairs are getting in touch with their inner caveman: They like to play with fire. “It adds a level of danger,” Santagati says, “and danger adds to the excitement.”

By keeping surprise and sizzle in your sex life, a woman can keep the home fires burning so hot that her man won’t have any reason to cheat.

But that's not the whole story. Solomon says men also cheat because of fear, loneliness or anger.

“The betraying partner's failure to deal with these feelings is what causes him to be unfaithful," he says.

5. Blame it on the “hunter.”

Often, married men who cheat can’t quite explain their motivation. They just find themselves compelled to bust out of their day-to-day routine in search of something new. It’s a primitive instinct that dates back to their role as hunter and gatherer – only this time, they’re hunting and gathering new women.

“Maybe he married too young,” Santagati says, “or he just feels as if he hasn’t seen everything.”

Women can protect themselves by getting wise to this behavior early in the relationship – and getting out.

Santagati suggests you can find out more about a man’s dating history by watching how he acts in a room full of gorgeous women.

If you can’t rein him in when your romance is new, you’ll never control him down the road when your life together is more settled. “The first three months are critical,” he says.

6. Biology, baby.

“It’s our biological nature to be with as many females as possible,” Santagati says.

“Once we’ve seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace. It doesn’t matter if you’re Jessica Alba or Sienna Miller, we become accustomed to your body and want to experience something different – different lips, different body types. We’re only monogamous because we realize that love and friendship are more important than getting laid.”

But Juliet Williams, associate professor of women’s studies at UCLA disagrees. “No matter how stunningly high the number of male cheaters, we know it’s not biological,” she says. “There are still a higher percentage of men who are monogamous.”

Whether it’s evolution, biology or simple novelty, infidelity researchers agree that men do seek different sex partners. However, the decision whether to cheat is entirely in a man’s control.

“Most men don’t act on those desires because they don’t want to jeopardize social reputations or marriages,” says University of Texas’ Buss.

“Former President Jimmy Carter, for example, told an interviewer that he had ‘lust in his heart’ but as far as we knew, he never acted on it,” he says.

7. It’s just sex.

For most guys, sex and love are two entirely different things.

“We really believe, ‘I can still love my wife and want to have sex with other women.’ We separate it in our brains,” Santagati says.

That rationale allows guys to cheat guilt-free, with one notable exception:

“Any guilt that a man has after sex isn’t about the sex itself, it’s about the consequences,” Santagati says. “Will she be a stalker? Will my wife find out?

"If a guy is in a committed, monogamous relationship, he should ask himself one question before he cheats: Is it worth it? He should consider the worst-case scenario, meaning that his wife finds out and is now brokenhearted. Is it worth it?”

8. Not tonight, dear.

Let’s face it. Men want more sex than women.

So when their partner is tired from wrangling kids all day and unwilling to try new things, even the most loyal hubbies get bored and go looking for nookie.

More sexually permissive men who don’t have equally adventurous partners are also more apt to wander, says UNLV’s Hertlein.

Their sexual values are just not compatible.

9. Because we can.

OK, we’re guys, remember? It’s hard to resist temptation, especially when it’s at our fingertips.

Thanks to the Internet, it’s easier for men to cheat anytime, anywhere… while they’re watching TV or on the laptop in bed next to their sleeping wives.

“We’re not talking about penis and vaginas,” Hertlein says. “Cheating is defined as anything that breaches a relationship contract.”

“That includes “sexy communication and flirting that’s kept secret from your partner.”

Forgive and Forget?

Whether your man is having sex online or in a hotel room, should you take him back?

“We think of people who betray us as cads, bad people, immature,” Solomon says. “But most are normal folks who get lost in not taking care of themselves and their marriage.”

And if you forgive and forget, could he cheat again?

Despite guys’ excuses, the decision to cheat or stay faithful isn’t something women can control.

“Even if you’re the worse spouse on Earth, your partner can find better ways to deal with his unhappiness,” Solomon says. “You can't make someone cheat any more than you can make someone drink or abuse you.”

http://www.lifescript.com/life/relationships/wreckage/6_reasons_why_men_cheat.aspx

Why Do Women Cheat?

 

When it comes to cheating, most of us instinctively think of men who cheat on their girlfriends or wives. Yes, this is a common occurrence, but ladies are just as capable as carrying on affairs as men are. In fact, many women do. If you suspect that your wife or significant other is being unfaithful, you may be curious as to why.


When it comes to identifying why women cheat on their boyfriends or husbands, an answer is actually hard to come across. This is because women, as well as men, cheat for a wide range of different reasons. Just because one female likes to cheat because it is easy to do so, it does not mean that is the same goal and motivation of your spouse.


Although it is not easy to pinpoint the exact reason why women cheat on their men, there are a number of common reasons. A few of these reasons are highlighted below.


Unfulfilled Desires at Home
Do you have a preference when it comes to sex? Most men do, but did you also know that nearly all women do as well? Have you asked your wife or girlfriend what she enjoys in bed? If not, you may not be fulfilling her desires. It is important to remember that women do have sexual needs as well. If your sex life is boring, dull, or decreasing, there is a good possibility that your lover is cheating on you. Remember, she may be doing so to satisfy her sexual desires or her fantasies.

To Get Out of a Relationship

There was a point in time when a simple breakup note or a phone call was an easy way to end a relationship. Now, it seems as if being unfaithful is the easiest alternative. Many women use cheating as a way to get out of their relationship. Some women fear the responses that they will receive when trying to dump a boyfriend or ask for a separation and divorce. Violence is one of those fears. If you have noticed that your relationship has been suffering for some time now, there is a chance that your lady is trying to find an easy way out of your relationship.

To Feel Young Again

It is no secret that females fear aging. In fact, many women enter into crisis mode when they observe aging signs on their body. These signs may consist of wrinkles, grey hair, or putting on weight. Some women choose to improve their physical appearance by obtaining a makeover or starting a weight loss program, others decide to go out and have an affair. In these types of situations, affairs are typically brief and may also only be one night stands. Some women simply want to be able to go out for a while, have a good time, feel young again, and return home.

Convenience

Convenience is another common reason why women cheat on their men. Say your lover or wife is out to dinner or at a bar with a group of friends. A man provides them with attention and gives them compliments. Many women will eat this right up. It goes with the above mentioned reason of feeling young again and improving self-confidence levels. At this point in time, many women also think “why not?” If they have a guy there who is willing to provide them with passion, even just for one night, many women choose to go for it because of convenience.

As highlighted above, it is important to keep in mind that men are typically typecast as the cheaters, but women can cheat just the same. If you suspect that your wife or girlfriend is being unfaithful, you may want to spend less time focusing on the why or the how and more time deciding what action you will take. Do you want to save your relationship or is it not worth the pain?

http://www.howtobustacheater.com/why_do_women_cheat.html

 

Are You Revealing TOO Much? 5 Steps to Telling the Truth - By Karen Keller

                                          













When is enough enough? Is your 'truth-telling' getting you  in trouble? What happens when you first meet someone? Do you get diarrhea of  the mouth? Do you clam up not saying a word?

There's a fine balance between truthfully representing your  personality and making a good first impression. You need to choose your words  carefully and give the right 'spin' -- yes, spin. This is where you begin to  shape the perception others will have of you.
 
  Two things cause perception. Your experiences and what  people show you. For instance, you see someone walking down the street in a  three-piece suit, and based on your experiences you think he is a successful,  educated, intelligent person because that's what you learned to think. And you  think that because of what he is showing you.

Later you see the same person wearing the same suit but this  time he walks into a porn shop. What do you think of him then? Yes, your perception  was again altered based on your experiences and what he showed you.

Is truth-telling always the best?

  How does all of this affect truth-telling? What you say and how you behave  creates a perception of you that may or may not be true. So what's the problem?  Why not always tell the truth? Of course, but are there times when too much is  unnecessary or harmful.

Do they really need to know the past relationship issues you  had with their boss? Is it helpful to you making everyone aware of the mistakes  you made with a certain team member? No. But many people self-disclose to their  own detriment.

There are 5 steps to follow when considering the time (and  what) to self-disclose:

Step 1: Always ask  yourself, "Is this information something I wouldn't mind seeing as the  lead story on tonight's news?"

How many times have you reheard a story about you that  drained the color from your face? What you put out there on Facebook, twitter,  email, etc. is permanently out there. Your first time conversations are no different.  Think ahead and be smart.

Step 2: Know what is  interesting about yourself that you can share.

  Be prepared. Make a list of your history, your stories, the  details, the humorous and the serious. Be different. Everyone wants to be the 'go  to' person but what is it specifically you are doing that will make you that  person? What will stand out? Is "I have been married" more  interesting than "I just divorced my 6th husband?" Which one gets  your attention?

Step 3: Flatter them.

 It's not all about you. What unique question do you want  them to answer? Practice the 80/20 rule - 80 percent about them and 20 percent  about you. That's why you need to really hone in on the 'about you' part  because you only get 20 percent to work with.

Also flatter yourself. Present yourself in a positive light.  Be upbeat, and confident about various aspects of your work and life. Write out  your introduction. Find what pieces work best at a first meeting. Keep in mind  the setting. What works for getting a first date isn't always the best piece of  information for meeting the new CEO.

Step 4: Sharpen your  non-verbal self-disclosure.

  What you do with your hands, feet, smile, frowns, eyes, and  head is critical to the impression they will take away from your conversation.  Be sure that it all matches. Are your arms crossed? Do you avoid eye contact?  Practice purposeful non-verbal language that will relay a powerful message of  what you want them to know about you. Open arms and palms face up indicate a  willingness to explore. Get a book on non-verbal cues and study.

Step 5: Leave them  wanting more. 

  Never give away the whole enchilada. Practice sending out 'teasers.'  Become the Paul Harvey of you -- "... and now you know the REST of the  story." Give out information that makes people curious, wanting more, and  genuinely needing to get the rest of the information because they find value in  it.
Remember this rule: the more you say, the more you're  required to say. When this happens is when you begin to move away from the  important things 'they' need and you want them to hear. Keep in mind that your  audience (boss, date, child, future spouse) is really interested in what's in  it for them. So, why not make that you?

  About the Author:

Karen  Keller, Ph. D., creator of The Influence It! program, is the first Influence  Specialist for women. Unlike other psychologists, Karen is also a Master  Certified Coach and the only modern-day teacher of Influence as a way of inner  thinking and being...then ultimately doing for having more of what you (really)  want. Karen is publisher of Influence It! Real POWER for Women, The Web's #1  Resource for the Influential Woman's Journey, and the blog Influence By Design,  where she shares insights and leading-edge information for the influential  woman on the go.

Her newest offering is The Working Woman's Coaching Membership, a coaching  program for women who desire to uncover (and use) their true influence power,  which can be found at

http://www.karen-keller.com. Karen is a contributing author to, "Stepping Stones to Success: Experts  Share Strategies For Mastering Business, Life & Relationships" with  Deepak Chopra, Jack Canfield, and Denis Waitley which is in bookstores this  summer. Join Karen as she shares the latest proven strategies for a balanced  take-charge life!

Reading List for the week

Book list for the week:

                                                                 















                                                                                      
   














                                                                                                                   















                                                                                                                          















                                                                      
           













                                                                 
















                                                                         














                                                                                             
      













                                                                                            















                                                                                               















                                                                                 















                                                                                    
   














                                                                                       
 














                                                                                      














                                                                           
 













                                                                                          

Anger Management Techniques

WHEN to use:

When your temper begins to flare.

   

WHAT does it do:

Mentally challenge yourself before taking out your anger
 
angry in some ways can be a positive outlet and something that should not be ignored.

• However, having rage inside that results in harmful tendencies towards yourself or other

  people, and from which the source is painful experience, is not healthy at all. This type of

  anger should be dealt with before it escalates into more negative experiences.

  Designed for your protection and safety, anger/rage is ultimately your friend and close

  ally. But until you can accept this kind of feeling as a part of your being, you will tend to

  be at war with the emotion of anger as well as yourself. You must first understand that

  anger is a protective emotion and then consider the ways in which anger can be useful

  and positive to you.

  
  

  Because anger or rage springs immediately from pain and fear, and then ultimately love,

  you must be careful that this anger is not disconnected from other basic emotions. This is

  when it becomes dangerous. Once you overstep that boundary of caring for your feelings

  or the feelings of another person, your anger has the power to instill pain, either

  emotional or physical.

  
  

  On the other hand, if you can connect love for every angry feeling you get, anger tends

  to dissolve and love and sense prevail. Below are four ways in which you can better

  understand your anger:

  
  

  1. Learn to recognize the relationship that exists between the

  emotions of anger, rage, fear, pain, and love.

  connection between all three and the mark of a healthy individual is

  one where that person can target the origin from which their emotions

  of anger and stemming from. Is it fear? Is it pain? Or is the root cause

  of the anger stemming from love?

  
  

  There is an inherent

  2. Learn to identify the vast differences between the actions

  that are motivated by fear and the actions that are motivated

  by love.

  should be to immediately identify your feelings of anger and the

  feelings of anger from other people and where they come from.

  
  

  Again, this is very similar to number one above. Your goal

  3. Understand that having courage is a result of the anger-love

  connection.

  being anger with a loved one is a necessity in life, but only if that

  courage is connected with a positive intention.

  
  

  Having courage to face a problem that has resulted from

  4. Begin to consider how anger shows up when it is felt and

  expressed in conjunction with love.

  stay married for a long time have mastered this art. And it is the

  ability to decipher and communicate through anger when dealing with

  the person they are in love with. Learn to do this and you will find that

  you will attract more loving people into your life.
  
  
  
                                                  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

Turn the circumstances around to see how you would want to be treated if the other person felt as you do.

These mental gymnastics can help you regain control over runaway emotions before they escape and cause external damage.

 

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