Liar, Liar

Why do people lie? To conceal wrongdoing? Because a child may not know the difference between what's fantasy and what's real? To avoid consequences? Because one gets a sense of power from it? To maintain self-esteem? 

There are SO many reasons! But before you judge, before you make some blanket moral comments about the issue, read on.

During my studies (in psychology, child development), and from my experience in working with people who have committed serious crimes, I've come to know a great deal about Lying. 

Children who are under the age of five don't really know the difference between what's real and what's fantasy. They like "telling stories". They also lie to get the approval of other people. After age four or five, kids do it to avoid unpleasant consequences. They don't want to get into trouble, so a kid may blame someone else for something he/she did. Piaget identified childhood lying as just a part of a child's being egocentric. We must also consider that children are not capable of determining that lying is a moral issue. It's not part of the cognitive or social development at that age.

By the time a child hits eight or nine, he/she is fully aware of the wrongfulness of lying. The kid may still be untruthful for some of the same reasons, but does understand the morality of it. As children develop the ability for more abstract thought and reasoning, the lies become more crafty. For example, a young person may use more cognitive distortions (minimizing, vagueness, omission, and hopping over). Sociopathic liars enjoy it because it's like a power-play game; he/she feels a sense of power over others who are stuck trying to figure things out.

So how can you tell if someone is lying? I generally pay attention to how much a person talks when I ask a question. My philosophy has always been answer my question and shut up (if you don't want to look deceptive). People who ramble, in my opinion, are "hopping over" the facts and saying things to "muddy the water". I pay attention to words like, "maybe", "I guess", "perhaps", "just", "only", "to be honest with you", "the truth is". When dealing with kids (and many adults), I avoid "yes" and "no" questions as much as possible, because those types of questions encourage lying. "Susie, did you do your homework?" She immediately replies, "Yes". A better question/comment would be, "Susie, which of your assignments are you going to tackle first?" Or, "I'm ready to go over your homework with you. Meet me at the dining room table in n minutes."

I always pay attention to vagueness and omission of information. When kids tell me, "we were just hanging out", I'm suspicious of that. For teenagers, it's important to cover ALL bases. Be very specific with questions. I do this with lying, manipulative adults too. It almost becomes like an interrogation!

And what about all that stuff on body language, and facial expressions, and the direction a person looks when you ask a question? In my opinion, you really have to know the person well to gauge the truth from that. Polygraph testing? They're fine if the person is not a sociopath, or someone else who is capable of beating the test. I've met several people (some between age 17 and 20) who have beaten them. Geeze, knowing what I know, I don't think it would be difficult to beat one. 

So, the next time you think someone's lying, just play along! Don't get upset; the more you understand it, the better chances you have of eventually learning the truth. Consider it a mental chess match:):):):)

Ms. Erin