How I Deal with Difficult People

I had a personality test done last year and according to the results, there are two types of people who have personalities that clash with mine: A Complainer and a Staller.

(Imagine this, I'm a therapist and find Complainers and Stallers irritating)!

A Complainer is a person who is pessimistic, always finding the negative side of everything!  These folks find fault all the time. They rarely say anything positive without a negative follow-up.

I can always tell when I'm dealing with a Complainer because they'll agree with whatever positive comment I make, then put a "but" in the sentence.  I suppose they don't realize that adding the word "but" negates everything you said before it.

A conversation with a complainer will go smething like this:

Me: "Hey, Janet did you like the speech that the validictorian gave at the graduation? I thought it was incredibly inspiring for a young person to express those types of values."

Janet: "I thought it was pretty good, but the whole graduation was long. I've been sick for the last few days and haven't slept much. I'm even tired right now."

Notice how the Complainer doesn't just stop at the "but", she contines to complaine.

So what's the deal with these people? They want for someone to solve problems for them. They do not engage in any solution-focused conversation.  The Complainer feels powerless to change things, so he/she wants to bring it to someone else's attention, or just have something to say.

I discovered that this bothers me because I am a problem-solver; I think in a solution-focused way, so when dealing with someone who does not, is incredibly irritating!  What the solution? Interrupt the cycle of blaming by shifting the convertation to something more action-oriented. I make sure that the Complainer will be the person taking the action, not me. I also reflect, recap or summarize what he/she said (sort of like repeat it in different words). Then I ask the person what he/she has done to solve the problem. I ask for ideas they have---I put it all back on them so I'm not doing any work! Maybe that's why I'm a successful therapist. 

The second type of person that I find difficult to deal with is the Staller, someone who can never make up his/her mind about anything. These folks have an impact on my enthusiasm because I can't stand indecisiveness. They are caught between wanting to be helpful and not wanting to hurt anyone. They're worried about not being able to please everyone. 

A Staller always brings up some other "counter option" when I think a solution has been reached. 

Me: "We have to decide on a place to stop for dinner when we make that 6-hour drive to Las Vegas. I've Googled the Outback Steakhouse and Chili's at the halfway mark. Which would you prefer?"

Starla: "I don't know, what do you think?"

Me: "I like Chili's. There will be more variety."

Starla: "Well, Outback has some great new specials."

Me: "Ok, let's go there then."

Starla: "Chili's does have that Chocolate Cake I like, so I don't know."

BACK AND FORTH, AND BACK AND FORTH!!!!!!

How do I deal with this? Simple, I love lists. I prefer to have the person just write it down, then we don't have to talk about it. If all the pros and cons have been written down, a decision will usually be made.

I'm still learning not to take anything personally when dealing with a Complainer or a Staller. These individuals are engaging in the behaviors because of some insecurity or fear. It all just helps me with my own self-discipline, empathy, and self-analysis.  Ms. Erin