The next several posts will be about relationships. I've gotten information from various sources (and those will be included). I've also gained insight from working with couples. I've already posted some related books on relationships, that can be obtained on Amazon.com. Many of them I've read and I do recommend that people/clients do their own reading on the subject; every relationship is different because all people are different. We carry some sort of baggage into all of the relationships that we acquire (personal, professional, etc.).
So, enjoy the info and feel free to make comments/contributions. (And hey, this is NOT a therapy venue...if that's what you need, be sure to hire your own private therapist).
The first topic is on the Triangular Theory of Love by Sternberg. There are 3 key ingredients:
Intimacy-LIKING one another, SHARING personal stories, and BONDING. It's a slowly developing EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT, sort of like friendship.
Passion-the physical and sexual attraction. The INSTANT developing ADDICTION and EXCITEMENT felt from being around each other. Usually high at the beginning of the relationship, but slowly declines to a more stable level over a period of time.
Commitment- the stable, DEPENDABLE DEVOTION to each other. A slowly developing DECISION TO STICK BY the other person even in bad times.
Here are some sites to view on the subject:
www.studiesoflove.com/loveromance/trianglelove.html
www.simplysolo.com/
www.helpingpsychology.com/love-theory-sternbergs-triangular
www.personalitynet.com
So, this is the deal; the amount of each (intimacy, passion, and commitment) that a person chooses to put into the relationship will contribute to the shape of the relationship. Think about this, at the beginning of a relationship, it's all chemical (you know, the dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, etc.). Sparks are flying everywhere and the excitement is very high. This is the PASSION. As you talk some, get to know each other, the INTIMACY, is increasing. Since you don't know how to predict the outcome of the relationship, there is really no COMMITMENT, or desire/decision to remain together. All of this is in the ROMANTIC LOVE stage.
What about those one-night-stands? The only thing there is PASSION! Arranged marriages? COMMITMENT only. Friendship? Just INTIMACY, nothing else, according to the theory. The companionate love is what elderly people generally have---INTIMACY and COMMITMENT.
True love is when there is a balance of all three. The triangle will look like a perfect triangle:):) A happy relationship is one where both partners want, give, and receive the same relationship shape. Your personality will definitely influence the way you define love. We'll talk more about personality traits later.
How does one approach a relationship based on ATTACHMENT STYLE? There are 3 types of attachment for adults:
Secure- these people have a positive view of themselves and others. They are comfortable with the emotional closeness, but want to still maintain independence. Hello, this is where we all should be!
Anxious- these folks are, of course anxious, and want to dive into the relationship and get as close as possible to a partner. They worry about the relationship a lot, they worry about how the partner feels about them, and they fear being abandoned. Kind of needy.
Avoidant- these people are hesitant to become too intimate (not sexual, intimate). They avoid the emotional attachments and commitment. They don't trust very easily.
To find out where you are, look at your past relationship patterns. It is possible to have 2 of the attachment styles overlap.
Helpful hints (besides just being compatible):
- Decide what type of person you want to attract
- Are there some things that are absolutes or 'must-haves?
- How flexible are you?
- Keep your expectations realistic!
- maximum/minimum age
- education level, career
- children (do you have any/will you want any?)
- ethnicity
- physical attractiveness
- drinking, smoking, drugs, etc.
- economic status
Here are other resources, in addition to the sites:
Ms. Erin
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