Relationships (Pt II)

Let's talk about Couple Types (Mary Anne Fitzpatrick, 1988). By reviewing this, we'll have some insight into how gender roles are approached and how conflict is handled. We'll also discuss things that are most damaging in a relationship.

Traditional couple-style- these people are very interdependent, meaning that things are done together vs. individually. The woman takes the man's last name and there are other traditional gender role beliefs. Positive, open communication is generally used during conflicts, and the couple does not usually argue about petty things.
Independent couple-style- The couple values a combination of autonomy and connection. There is no belief that 'the man is in charge', because they work from the nontraditional model. This couple will engage in conflict over both large and small issues, and will justify their reasoning.
Separate couple-type- they avoid interaction/conflict by giving in or withdrawing. However, if these folks actually do have a major conflict, it can be horrific!
Mixed couple-type- The group that does not fall into any of the other categories; there is a meshing of the groups. The most common is the separate husband and the traditional wife. And because there is a mixture of the couple-type, there are various styles of conflict resolution and various ways of viewing gender roles.

Gottman believed that the 4 behaviors that have the most negative impact on a relationship, are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. He arged that the 2 most damaging are contempt and defensiveness, along with the man's withdrawal is the strongest predictor of divorce. He also stated that in dissatisfied relationships, neither party is willing to engage in de-escalation-type behaviors. The solution is changing the approach to soothing, nondefensive, listening, and validating behaviors.

In therapy, I often use information from Gottman's Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse theory.  From my experience, if a couple has reached the 'stonewalling' (withdrawal) stage, the relationship is not going to survive. Both of them have essentially check-ed out of the relationship at this point. 

I was reading an article by James P. Krehbiel, an LPC in Arizona,  where he also described interaction patterns that are distructive to the relationship.

• The Parent-child pattern is where one partner is a controlling person and the other is like a rebelious child.
• The Victim is where one of the partners always acts vulnerable as a way to manipulate the other person to get what he/she wants. This person loves pulling the guilt-trip, the whining, and crying to get what he/she wants.
• The Over-emotional person thwarts the balance of  feelings in the entire relationship by rendering the other individual emotionally deficient. These people (in my practice) will come in to the session and not even allow the partner to speak. There's a lot of assuming and mind-reading, rather than allowing the other person to express feelings. 
• The Nag dictates and commands what needs to be done, and the other person becomes passive-aggressive to avoid things and procrastinate. These are the people who nag constantly, and the 'yes-dears' ignore them. 
• The Reactor uses bullying tactics or threats (verbal/physical abuse) to have needs met. An example would be 'wife-beaters', for lack of a better term. 

To resolve these issues, I develop a treatment plan where both parties must take responsibility for his/her own behavior within the relationship. Most of the time individual counseling or other collateral resources are needed (domestic violence classes, 12-step groups, co-dependency groups).

Ms. Erin